User Profile

This is my weight loss/obsession/depression whatever you want to call it, journal.

My personal journal is dieingtobreathe.livejournal.com.
I use to be in all the communities as -DieingtoBreathe-
so now Im switching everything to this journal.

I am going to try to keep my 2 journals from being connected but feel free to read my other one and get to know the other side of me. It says things are friends only, but they really arent.

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STATS:

Name: Megan
Age: 21
Height: 5'6"
HW: 190
LW: 143.2
CW: 147.5
BMI: 23.8 ew!
GW: 115

Where do I begin ...

Let me start by introducing myself.

My name is Megan im 21 and ever since I can remember iv never been happy with myself. I has always been the 'fat' kid. The 'chubby' girl. The one that was always picked last or sat alone. Now dont feel too sorry for me yet, I had friends, I wasnt a total loser. I wasnt popular but I talked to those people, I was pretty much in the middle. I was me. I had my friends, we were awesome but I was never happy. Then came prom. I was determined not to be 'fat' for prom. I was 17 at the time. So for the first time ever I skipped a meal. I started skipping more and more and eating less. I would go for a walks every night with my mom and in about 3 months I was able to lose 30. I was at my lowest. 148 for being 5'6". I looked good for prom, or atleast I thought. I was happy of my success and very pround but then I got lazy and started eating everything! I then developed an over eating problem. I gained the weight back fast. I tried to stop it. I took Stackers like they were candy. They were the ephedria ones and one day after taking 10 in the course of the day, the usual dosage was 3 in 24 hours, I began to pass out and feel very odd. The ambulance was called and its suspected I prolly did damage to my heart. This was almost 4 years ago. After this I became quite the mess. My eating habits were horrible. Id binge so badly and then purge through heavy restricting or fasting. I got into a horrible abusive relationship and then turned to food as my out, my means to feel better and forget everything. I became a very heavy drinker as well. I shot up to my heaviest. 190/200 at 5'6". After a year of craziness, I left the guy and started focusing on me. I lost 30 pounds in a month by just not eating. I was heart broken, confused, jaded and a complete mess. I then started talking to a boy I first dated 2 years proior. He was my first kiss, my first boyfriend (for only 2 months), he was my prom date (though social kept him from actually going), he was the first person I 'thought' I loved. For a year we were off and on. He talked to other girls but I assumed we were together and nothing was going on that shouldnt have been. But the idea that maybe something was tore me apart. I loved him. I was drawn to him after everything I went through and he made me feel good for once. He made me feel loved, wanted, accepted for who I was. But still I was convinced he was lying. He was just with me to have someone. So id constintly push him away. Through this time I slowly stopped eating. I got down to 154. Not impressive I know. But I lost a lot of inches. I was being asked if i was sick, how was I losing so much weight so quickly. So after a year of on and off and me seeing other people, or more like using other people to make me feel good about the fact that they found me attractive, the boy told me he loved me. He was stupid for all the stuff he did to me and how he lead me on and hurt me but he really loved me. So since January of this year, things have been good. With that part of my life atleast. We got a place together in May and things couldnt be better. But when we officially got together I learned of these few girls he talked to, hung with, hooked up with. I guess he needed to do that inorder to realize that I was the one he really wanted. Maybe he was scared of his feelings, I dont know. But once I learned of this, it hurt me. I couldnt really be mad, we werent together. I thought we were but to him we werent. We were just talking and chillen and sleeping together. It tore me apart and I started comparing myself to these girls. He's mine now, but they had him once and now I have this fear of not being good enough and losing the only thing that means anything to me in this life. But to be honest, thats the reason I make myself believe as to why im dealing with this eating disorder but the truth is, it has me hooked. It has taken control over me. I no longer choose why and what I do regarding it. Everyday I feel like shit b/c I am afraid of getting fat. I am afraid of the scale going up. I am afraid of being some 300 pound girl that everyone makes comments at. I fear that when everything falls apart again, b/c in my mind it will, this is all ill have. This is the one thing I can control in this life ... yet its the one and only thing that completely controls me. Im not dumb, I know this is wrong, I know its only going to get worse but I also dont know what to do to fix it and sadly, I dont think I want to. Not now. Not until im perfect and then ill be normal and happy and it will all go away. But will it ever? does it just go away? No I dont think it does. I dont know what 'healthy' eating is. I know restricting, fasting and binging. I dont know where the middle is. Im a mess and only you reading this know why. To everyone else I keep a smile on my face and pretend that I am happy. Yet inside I am screaming!





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1. Current Height... 5'6"

2. Current Weight... 150 shoot me please!

3. Highest weight at current height... 190

4. Lowest weight at current height... 143

5. Pants size... 9

6. Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder... nope

7. How often do you weigh yourself... every morning

8. Have you cried after weighing yourself/trying on clothes... yup

9. If you could change any body part(s), what would you choose... stomach and thighs and ass and love handle... so all i guess

10. What body type do you have... Chubby

12. Have you been made fun of because of your weight... not really, comments here and there, sure

13. Does it take you a long time to find something that looks halfway decent on you... Sometimes

14. If you could snap your fingers and make yourself any weight, what number would you choose... 115

15. What celebrity, in your opinion, has the perfect body... kate moss, pink

16. Do you think you'd be happier about yourself if you were comfortable with your weight... Yes, yes, yes!

17. What is the driving force behind your need to lose weight... i want to be thin atleast once before its time to have kids and get fat
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